Operation Edward!

Hey LJers!

I'm writing to let you know about 'Operation Edward: FTM Top Surgery'. I'm trying to raise funds for my husband's top surgery,

Take a moment to check it out on Indiegogo and also share it with your friends.  All the tools are there.  Get perks, make a contribution, or simply follow updates. If enough of us get behind it, we can make 'Operation Edward: FTM Top Surgery' happen!


A Good Day, Thankfully

 Today (and yesterday) has been a really good day.  I feel unweighted and just overall so pleased.  Recap.

So, I had gone through a pretty tough time recently.  Got a lot of weird/bad news, lost my job, and the surgery.. But it's starting to clear up, which is AWESOME.

I've shed some dead weight and I'm just pleased.  

I'm still growing out my hair (something my ex made me do), but now it's to donate it.  I also want to do St. Baldericks and raise money for childhood cancer (2 birds = 1 stone).  Then it's gonna be like "see ya, hair!"

i mean, I don't mind it.. but it's just 'not my thing'

I have 2 job interviews tomorrow.  A high paying teaching gig and a minimum wage coffee shop gig.  I actually want the latter SO bad.  To work hard and be happy. You can't put a price on that.

Update - Caution: Heavy Venting

So I figured I would post to this journal for a few reasons.  1.  I need to express myself and my feelings; 2. This is a private, 'secret'ish journal that I feel can serve as my outlet.  I know I have one or two "IRL" friends on here, but I trust that they (if they read this) will understand that this is sensitive and will keep it to themselves and not make it public knowledge in our mutual social circle.

Two weeks ago I had surgery on my knee.  A complete ACL reconstruction using autografts from my hamstring.  Going into it, I didn't realize how debilitating it would be.  ACL surgeries are so common this day and age, I figured I'd be back at 'em with lightning speed.  Also, being a strong person my whole life, I guess that while I knew it would be something difficult to overcome and take a lot of work, I felt that things would just BAM!  Magically okay after a few days.  Realistically, I'm not that foolish and I knew it wouldn't be like that.  I guess it was a delusion of grandeur (but without the crazy part).

Being confined to my apartment is also incredibly emotionally crippling.  I haven't left my apartment since Friday afternoon..  It's now Monday night at 11:00.  I get out of bed to use the restroom and hobble to the door to get the food I have delivered.  I can't get out more often because 1. I live on the 5th floor of a walk-up building that has no elevator; 2. I have to take car services everywhere and that is difficult AND expensive (the train stops are .75 miles away, which is too far to walk, and I can't risk getting hurt by the subway stairs or people at large); 3.  I can't like, sit anywhere comfortably.  My leg, no matter where or how I sit, always aches or falls asleep from the odd position since it can't bend.  My leg brace is locked out and my leg gets in the way; and 4.  I dehydrate randomly and need to be near air conditioning and lots of water at all time.  There are more reasons, I'm sure... but those are the biggest ones.  My week's highlights are when I get to go to PT, which is three times per week.

I think what hurts me the worst is that since I have undergone the surgery, I have had... well, minimal visits (or any contact at all) by my 'friends'.  After my surgery, since I couldn't walk at all or even attempt to climb stairs, I stayed at a friend's on Long Island.  It was really nice.  I stayed there from Monday afternoon to Thursday early afternoon.  While I was there, my Long Island friends had a dinner party night on Tuesday so come by and cheer me up.  Someone was at the house 97% of the time to make sure that I had help and to take care of me.  That was hard, as I feel uncomfortable being so vulnerable... But it was so greatly appreciated.

Since I've been back, that Thursday the 19th, I have had 5 visitors (one being my girlfriend, who is a 50/50 hit or miss support system for me and is here sometimes...).  2 of those visitors were friends of mine from Long Island who made a point to stop back on their way back to LI and check on me, bring me lovely get well gifts, and they brought me dinner!  That leaves 2 visitors that would be 'local friends'.  1 of those friends isn't even local - she is visiting from Kuwait.  She had told me she would spend a day with me, but ended up coming over for only an hour and a half.  She also said she would come back to spend time with me Sunday... but I got a call from her today (Monday) saying how she was busy and would try to find time to come tonight, but doubted it and she is leaving for London tomorrow.

I'm not trying to be selfish... I'm honestly not looking for a pity party. I know people have their own lives and agendas.  I just know that when someone I consider to be a friend is going through a hard time or is hurting (in any way), I make time to be there for them in some way, whether it be a text, phone call, or a visit.  I know I'm not the most entertaining person to be around.  I'm sad and I can't do too much aside from sit on my bed and watch a show or talk with you (or play a game, etc.).  But I think that I wouldn't be so bitter and sad (and emotionally overwhelmed) if I had a better support network.  Had people who at least offered to come over for an hour.  Still, the only people who really reach out to me are my friends from Long Island (or even further away! DC, FL, CA, etc.).  But I feel abandoned by my 'friends' who live right here in Brooklyn.  My 'buddies' who are a 15-20 minute train ride away.  The part that hurts is these people who are far away make the effort and attempt.  The people who are close do not.  Hell, a phone call or a text would be nice!  An email!  ANYTHING!!!  

My girlfriend says I haven't seemed too approachable the one time I was out for a team meeting.  Ya think?  This meeting was last Thursday.  It had been a solid week of hearing nothing from anybody.  Then, at the meeting's end, no one said anything still.  I bounced without saying a word to anyone.  Why bother.  I'm in a low place.  Friends are people who are supposed to be there through the thick and the thin.  And like I said before... if people made the attempt... to be there... in some/any way.. I bet I'd be in a way better mental state and a lot less "Rar!!!!"

Another stinger is that these people - the people who are close - these are the people who I am hurt for/because of.  Rugby is such a unique sport.  The networking/socializing/bonding that takes place is second to nothing I have ever seen or come across.  There's even the saying "Who so sheds his blood with me on this field shall be my brother'.  It's a family.  I choose to play.  Of course, I am not saying, "Oh, neener neener neener, this is all your fault!".  It happens!  But why am I discarded so quickly?  Is it that I am no longer an asset or of use, so what's the point?  I remember the day I got hurt (Saturday, April 30th) and when I was being checked out by a trainer at the fields before deciding whether to go to the hospital.. and someone from my team comes up to me to tell me that another teammate needs my shorts... and just stands there, waiting for me to give them up for at least 5 minutes.  I was a bit taken aback and appalled.. I said well.. I need something to wear, I'm not just giving them to you.  Get me other shorts as a trade.  She did.  At that moment, I was pretty pissed and hurt, but I let it slide.

I am in a bad mental place right now.  With this injury, the feeling of abandonment, and I am also losing my job at the end of June.  With this injury, being that I can only wear basketball shorts and I can't really walk hardly at all, it keeps me from being able to really go out and job hunt/interview.  So, I'm scared.  My mom tells me not to worry and that something will work out... and I'm sure it will... but I'm still scared.  I have a right to be scared and sad.

I just need friends.  I have no one up here but me.  No family.  I just need some people (or even A person) to be there for me.  I bet I'd cry a whole lot less.  I confess, I have been crying at least 5 times a day.

I'm just so sad and alone... my heart feels broken.

I just really had to let all this out.
  • Current Mood
    crushed crushed

Lovely Sunday

 Post post time for a post!

It is now my semi/always random post. Ha. I don't know why I'm in such a good mood, as I am just barely getting over strep throat. Maybe it's because I don't have to deal with the devil fevers anymore.  Let me tell you, strep = hell on earth.  I still get tired really easy, but it's coming along.  It definitely makes my voice a lot deeper, ha.  I stayed at my girlfriend's place last night, since my roommate had a friend in from out of town and I was being nice and letting her have my room.  When we left, I just threw on my jeans, shoes, and hoodie and stuffed my tshirt and sports bra in a bag. I love walking around without a bra. It feels natural.  So that put me in a good mood.  We got yogurt before going to my place, so I got to enjoy the beautiful weather.

My hair is getting Super long.  It is now easily put into a pony tail samurai knob.  But I dig growing it out to donate it.  

Later on today I'm gonna help my friend paint their apartment.. this is exciting, actually.

This post was very random and pointless.  I blame being sick.  But I felt like posting.  So there you go.

Sittin' in my bed

 I had a nice relaxing evening tonight.  I had initially wanted to do something after work today, but nothing turned up.  I'm okay with that.  I've been running around for over the past week, so just being in was a good change of pace.

Side note - sometimes I wonder why I taught my mother how to gchat.  

I had a conversation with my girlfriend at a diner about trans stuff.  That went.. so so.. it wasn't about myself, personally, really.  I was looking at a picture of a friend (who's been on T for at least 6 or 7 years).  I made a passing comment and mentioned that he is ftm and said commented how you would never guess it in a million years (because he just took to T so well and has had a very fortunate turn out).  She was surprised, but then discussed with me (in a non offensive way) her viewpoints on it and how she just doesn't understand this and that.  I, again, asked her what she would do or how she would react if I told her I wanted to be male.  She just said "that's not what I signed up for" and said she didn't know and sort of faltered off after that.  I made a comment about how I had once questioned my gender and this and that and, based on her facial expression/eyeballs, I sorta quickly ended my very small point/talking.

Whatever.  I've posted about this before and it just hasn't changed.  Like I said, it's not an issue for me [now].  I just wish she would understand in general.  I know I must seem very defensive when she talks about it (the 2 or 3 times it's ever come up), so she may have her own suspicions.  I just feel I need to help offer her varying trains of thought.

Moving on...

I want to be a buff and tone skinny kid again.  It's SO easy to do, but I am SO lazy nowadays that it makes it UNeasy.  I will try my damnedest to get up at 6:00 for a 30ish minute run.  We'll see if that happens.

The Power of Christ Compels You

So I have been miserable for close to a week now.  Wasn't sure exactly what it was, but not it's down to either being a stomach virus or stomach flu.  Basically the same thing, right?  Whatever.  It's miserable is what it is.  I tried watching a movie with my friend last night and, though it's a typical 1.5 hour long movie, it took about 3 hours to get through.  I'll spare the details..

I feel much better today in terms of not having to run to the bathroom every other moment, but I'm still weak and feeling physically drained.  So I'm spending most of my day in bed, either sleeping or playing online.

In terms of gender, I haven't really been sitting around and thinking about it often, though it has come up in some conversations with a few friends.  So far, I'm still just happy being myself.  I don't have any serious body dysmorphia or anything like that.  So for now, it's all okay.

My friends and girlfriend had been wanting me to grow out my hair for a long time... just to see what it looks like. So I am.  I find that while it's not a huge concern of mine, I have noticed that I (duh) no longer pass like.. ever.. and I also don't have my bathroom out at airports now (I would always use men's restrooms in airports).  

I mentioned the idea of ftm once to my girlfriend.  Asked her, hypothetically, what she would do or think if I decided I felt like a man.  She basically said she wouldn't support me in that.  Or, at least, wouldn't want to be with me.  She said that if she wanted to be with a man, she would date a man.  But she's with me and I'm a girl, so... That's tough, especially because I'm the first girl she has ever dated and she has only ever dated men before.  It's frustrating. She has not had super bad experiences with men, with the exception of the one douchebag.  But I mean.. she doesn't even see herself as a lesbian.  She she loved me, she says.  So I would think my gender would be irrelevant.  I don't know.  

I am glad that I'm happy with where I stand, in terms of my gender, because otherwise this would be a huge issue.  However, if anything changes and I do decide to proceed with transitioning, she will have to deal with it. Or it just won't work. Period.

Goodbye to '10

So New Year's is just around the corner.  It's time to bid farewell to 2010 and give a 'warm' welcome to the incoming 2011!  Hopefully this office will see much more positivity during its 12 month tenure.

I can't say that the year was all THAT BAD though.  It had its ups and downs, as many years do.  I find that, typically, when December rolls around most people are always bantering and carrying on how the year couldn't be over fast enough and that the next had better be wonderful.  I never really hear anyone saying "this year was suppppper aweeesoome, I wish it could stay".

So I will just have a mutual, neutral parting with 2010 and say that hey, I hope 2011 is at least on par with you. :)

the end.

Oh, Musicals.

Gosh, I love musicals..  For my teaching fellowship program, I won a $25 gift card from Barnes and Noble and when my lady friend and I went, the only thing I could think to buy were DVDs because I really didn't need another book at the moment.  So... I got Heathers, at the reccomendation of some coworkers since I had never seen it (I still need to watch it).  But I also got Hair (my favorite musical of all time) and Tommy (because I'm obsessed with Elton John haha).  Anyhow... I'm sitting in the computer lab at my grad school, waiting for my lady to get finished (she goes to a different university, but she is here for the next few Fridays for some course thing), and this boy comes in and sits down right by me.  His iPod is blasting the Hair soundtrack and I just sorta look over at him and he gets this sheepish look on his face and was like oh, I'm sorry. I go hey, it's cool - that's my favorite musical.  So then we get to chatting about theatre and musicals and all sorts of things. It was nice.  Then he invited me to come out to this production workshop thingy that he and his company (or whatever they're called) is putting on on Wednesday.  Maybe I'll check it out.

Wednesday, 3:00, 41 Park Row, friend of Mike - I put it here so I don't forget ha

Practically a year later...

So it's been just shy of an entire year since I last posted on this journal.  To be honest, I think it's been just as long since I posted on my alternate journal as well...

A few changes...

I've changed jobs.
I cut all my hair off again.

I pass as male between 90-98% of the time.  And a very young one, at that.

The other week, I was at a bar with a lot of my friends.  It was very crowded.  I used to restroom and when I came out, a lady was like, "Oh...my.. goooood! HAHAHA you just used the women's room!"  I had a witty comeback that made her feel like an idiot, ha. But I digress. Later in the evening when I had to go again, I just used the men's room... After I was finished, I was washing my hands and this guy claps me on the back and says "it is SO good to actually see another dude that washes his hands still!" and he smiled and left.  Hm... so be aware, apparently hand washing isn't very common practice.

I think my issue or fear is wanting to pass, or even if I'm not trying and it's just happening, and someone notes I'm a male but then realizes that I'm not...? Does that make sense? Though I mean... passing at a 90-98% rate without even trying is pretty damn good..

Maybe I'll take some pictures....