So I figured I would post to this journal for a few reasons. 1. I need to express myself and my feelings; 2. This is a private, 'secret'ish journal that I feel can serve as my outlet. I know I have one or two "IRL" friends on here, but I trust that they (if they read this) will understand that this is sensitive and will keep it to themselves and not make it public knowledge in our mutual social circle.
Two weeks ago I had surgery on my knee. A complete ACL reconstruction using autografts from my hamstring. Going into it, I didn't realize how debilitating it would be. ACL surgeries are so common this day and age, I figured I'd be back at 'em with lightning speed. Also, being a strong person my whole life, I guess that while I knew it would be something difficult to overcome and take a lot of work, I felt that things would just BAM! Magically okay after a few days. Realistically, I'm not that foolish and I knew it wouldn't be like that. I guess it was a delusion of grandeur (but without the crazy part).
Being confined to my apartment is also incredibly emotionally crippling. I haven't left my apartment since Friday afternoon.. It's now Monday night at 11:00. I get out of bed to use the restroom and hobble to the door to get the food I have delivered. I can't get out more often because 1. I live on the 5th floor of a walk-up building that has no elevator; 2. I have to take car services everywhere and that is difficult AND expensive (the train stops are .75 miles away, which is too far to walk, and I can't risk getting hurt by the subway stairs or people at large); 3. I can't like, sit anywhere comfortably. My leg, no matter where or how I sit, always aches or falls asleep from the odd position since it can't bend. My leg brace is locked out and my leg gets in the way; and 4. I dehydrate randomly and need to be near air conditioning and lots of water at all time. There are more reasons, I'm sure... but those are the biggest ones. My week's highlights are when I get to go to PT, which is three times per week.
I think what hurts me the worst is that since I have undergone the surgery, I have had... well, minimal visits (or any contact at all) by my 'friends'. After my surgery, since I couldn't walk at all or even attempt to climb stairs, I stayed at a friend's on Long Island. It was really nice. I stayed there from Monday afternoon to Thursday early afternoon. While I was there, my Long Island friends had a dinner party night on Tuesday so come by and cheer me up. Someone was at the house 97% of the time to make sure that I had help and to take care of me. That was hard, as I feel uncomfortable being so vulnerable... But it was so greatly appreciated.
Since I've been back, that Thursday the 19th, I have had 5 visitors (one being my girlfriend, who is a 50/50 hit or miss support system for me and is here sometimes...). 2 of those visitors were friends of mine from Long Island who made a point to stop back on their way back to LI and check on me, bring me lovely get well gifts, and they brought me dinner! That leaves 2 visitors that would be 'local friends'. 1 of those friends isn't even local - she is visiting from Kuwait. She had told me she would spend a day with me, but ended up coming over for only an hour and a half. She also said she would come back to spend time with me Sunday... but I got a call from her today (Monday) saying how she was busy and would try to find time to come tonight, but doubted it and she is leaving for London tomorrow.
I'm not trying to be selfish... I'm honestly not looking for a pity party. I know people have their own lives and agendas. I just know that when someone I consider to be a friend is going through a hard time or is hurting (in any way), I make time to be there for them in some way, whether it be a text, phone call, or a visit. I know I'm not the most entertaining person to be around. I'm sad and I can't do too much aside from sit on my bed and watch a show or talk with you (or play a game, etc.). But I think that I wouldn't be so bitter and sad (and emotionally overwhelmed) if I had a better support network. Had people who at least offered to come over for an hour. Still, the only people who really reach out to me are my friends from Long Island (or even further away! DC, FL, CA, etc.). But I feel abandoned by my 'friends' who live right here in Brooklyn. My 'buddies' who are a 15-20 minute train ride away. The part that hurts is these people who are far away make the effort and attempt. The people who are close do not. Hell, a phone call or a text would be nice! An email! ANYTHING!!!
My girlfriend says I haven't seemed too approachable the one time I was out for a team meeting. Ya think? This meeting was last Thursday. It had been a solid week of hearing nothing from anybody. Then, at the meeting's end, no one said anything still. I bounced without saying a word to anyone. Why bother. I'm in a low place. Friends are people who are supposed to be there through the thick and the thin. And like I said before... if people made the attempt... to be there... in some/any way.. I bet I'd be in a way better mental state and a lot less "Rar!!!!"
Another stinger is that these people - the people who are close - these are the people who I am hurt for/because of. Rugby is such a unique sport. The networking/socializing/bonding that takes place is second to nothing I have ever seen or come across. There's even the saying "Who so sheds his blood with me on this field shall be my brother'. It's a family. I choose to play. Of course, I am not saying, "Oh, neener neener neener, this is all your fault!". It happens! But why am I discarded so quickly? Is it that I am no longer an asset or of use, so what's the point? I remember the day I got hurt (Saturday, April 30th) and when I was being checked out by a trainer at the fields before deciding whether to go to the hospital.. and someone from my team comes up to me to tell me that another teammate needs my shorts... and just stands there, waiting for me to give them up for at least 5 minutes. I was a bit taken aback and appalled.. I said well.. I need something to wear, I'm not just giving them to you. Get me other shorts as a trade. She did. At that moment, I was pretty pissed and hurt, but I let it slide.
I am in a bad mental place right now. With this injury, the feeling of abandonment, and I am also losing my job at the end of June. With this injury, being that I can only wear basketball shorts and I can't really walk hardly at all, it keeps me from being able to really go out and job hunt/interview. So, I'm scared. My mom tells me not to worry and that something will work out... and I'm sure it will... but I'm still scared. I have a right to be scared and sad.
I just need friends. I have no one up here but me. No family. I just need some people (or even A person) to be there for me. I bet I'd cry a whole lot less. I confess, I have been crying at least 5 times a day.
I'm just so sad and alone... my heart feels broken.
I just really had to let all this out.